Teenagers Are Like Bad Roommates

Ok, so maybe YOUR teenager is not like a bad roommate.  La Ti Da.  Good on ya.


But I have two teenage girls in the house.  It's awesome.  Ok, that's bs.  It sucks much.


Teenagers are like beasts straight out the animal kingdom.


First off, they smell bad.  Really really bad.  My husband refers to this smell as BAF. He describes this as 'the smell of unwashed bodies'.  But teenagers are worse than that.  It's BAF mixed with a locker room and unwashed laundry.   Buy some air freshener.  Better yet, buy STOCK in air freshener.  You're gonna need it.


Second, they eat all your food.  Not like your other kids, who only eat 1 piece of pizza. Teenagers eat the  whole damn thing.  They eat the left over homemade mac and cheese you've been planning to eat for lunch at work tomorrow.   They eat all the cookies.  And the rest of the ice cream.  So you get a total of maybe 2 scoops out of an entire gallon.  It really isn't fair at all.  They just hoover it all up.  The worst part is, not only do they literally eat your lunch, but they put back empty containers.  Picture it:


You're snuggled up watching a movie with your hubs.


He says 'Hey! Let's have some ice cream!'  You pretend he's not brilliant.


You:  "Nah.  I'm on a diet, remember?  Besides, it's cold out."


Him:  "Well, I know we didn't eat it all the other night.  I'll even make it for you!" That's the clincher.  Now you don't even have to get up!


You:  "OK.  But just a small bowl.  I'm really trying to lose weight."  Uh huh.  Yup.  Sure.


So you pause the movie, and he putters into the kitchen.  You hear him open the freezer.  He starts digging around in there.  And then:


Him:  "Honey?  Did you eat the rest of the ice cream?" Did he just call you fat?


You:  "I was at work all week.  I've hardly had time to eat ice cream." Seriously...I think he just called you fat.


Him:  "Well, there's none left.  It's gone." WHAT?  Who ate the damn ice cream?


To which you both reply....."Damn teenagers."


Third, they make messes all over the place that they never clean.  And when you ask them to tidy up after themselves a little, they have some kind of seizure.  Their eyes roll back in their heads.  Their feet start stomping, they start muttering and flopping their hands around.  (Absolutely no offense to anyone who has real seizures.  I'm just attempting to describe the phenomenon as I've witnessed it.)  I've even seen my daughter develop a twitch.  In which she simultaneously sucks her teeth, tosses her head, heaves a deep sigh and rolls her eyes.  It can be frightening.  Sometimes I'm not sure if she's going to fall to the ground or if her head is going to start spinning around. I should probably talk to her doctor...


Fourth, they spend a LOT of time in their rooms doing heaven only knows what.  They could be plotting to take over the world.  They could be trying to find a cure to cancer.  I can't honestly tell you exactly what goes on in there.  All I know is that it smells bad.   I do know that my teenager knows when we're watching a movie.  She picks those times to start banging on her wall.  There aren't any holes on her side, so again, I have no idea what the hell is going on in there.  Our children don't have their own TVs, so I guess she's in there staring at walls and randomly checking to see if they're still solid?  I don't know.  Just a guess.


Fifth, they NEVER chip in for the bills, but ALWAYS need cash.  This is one of my pet peeves.  My teenagers wait until the very last second to tell me they need cash for something.  Cash is something I very rarely have on me.  Honestly.  I just don't carry cash.  So at 10 pm when my 14 year old pops her head into my room and tells me she needs 3 dollars for a school dance the next day, I have to tell her to go ask her Dad, or start checking the couch.  Last time she asked me for cash, she and her older sister were at the store.  She called to tell me that they were going to get 2 dollars cash back on my visa.  I had to inform her that it doesn't work that way and she couldn't do it.  It's funny, I get that; but it's annoying.


But the point here is that teenagers are like bad roommates.  Teenagers are Mother Nature's way of explaining how an animal could eat her young.


And I have two.  Faceplant.


You know - I read this to my daughters and husband.  We all had a good laugh.  I published it and walked away.  About a half hour later, I was looking for tweezers; and it dawned on me.....I left something out. 


If your teenagers are girls, there is another way they are like bad roommates.  THEY TAKE YOUR STUFF.  Nothing is sacred with a teenager in the house.  I've hunted down tweezers, jewelry, shoes, clothes, and makeup in my daughter's room.  I searched for a brand new pair of shoes for a week before I finally went to check her room.  Sure enough, there they were.  In her closet. She wears my flip flops every.single.summer.  It makes me crazy.  I don't remember ever doing these things to my mom.  


Speaking of my mom...I should probably call her and apologize again for everything I did from the age of 12 to the age of 18.  I did that the day my oldest daughter was born.  Apparently, I'll be doing it for a very.long.time.